Providence...

Ever look around one day and realize you are right in the thick of it all? Life is happening. Your schedule is full, your plans are many, your future is coming into focus. Yet the possibilities remain endless. Pieces are falling into place and it is time to make a mad dash at catching and fitting them where you want them. Because whether you like it or not, they will fall and if you don't participate they will determine their own place. 

Lately this crossroads has been causing me a fair amount of anxiety. I'm feeling some health concerns already, but whether that is its own issue or simply a byproduct of my stress I'm unsure. What I do know is that I have never experienced this before. I'm easy, baby. Easy like a Sunday morning. A rolling stone. An autumn leaf on a restless breeze. I'm adaptable, and I have always been carefree and totally unencumbered by the worries and pressures of life. A good deal of this I'm sure can be attributed to my somewhat, let's say "unconventional" personality haha. But I also believe a huge source of my peace has been my faith in God. I have always believed in providence, and that my life has a design and a purpose that would work itself out as I explored the world around me along my path.

Well, I'm sad to say I have allowed other priorities to come between me and my faith. I must rectify this. Say a prayer for me, because I want it, I just kind of "got busy" which is lame. Without God, I am nothing. And this uncertainty and anxiety creeping into my body and mind are a hounding reminder of how little control I really have.

So without further existential crises, the following pieces are falling:
  • My first son will be born in just 2 months. I am anxious for this experience, both joyful and fearful. I have always wanted to experience fatherhood. But I do have some fears about what kind of father I will be. I am a somewhat emotionally reserved person. My wife would say "cold" or "detached". Sometimes she goes as far as to say "heartless" and "robot". She knows I love her, but she needs to see it. And I'm not great at pushing aside my intellect and letting my heart express itself uninhibited. I've been praying for change in this area, and already God has delivered. One of our dogs died and I cried. Hard. The first time I've cried in......I honestly don't know. I've been sad. I've been hurt, crushed, depressed, lonely, etc. But it takes place inside. The war wages in my mind and my soul, but my heart does not express it physically with tears. So this was a beautiful gift my little man had given me with his passing. I love him. Then my dad had a massive heart attack. This time, there were no tears. Just intense fear and emotional turmoil. Spending a week in the hospital with him opened my eyes to how important it is to outwardly love the people who hold your heart. I wasn't ready to lose my father, and I wanted him to meet my son. So this experience gave me a sharp and brutal clarity about the immense value of something you can never EVER acquire any more of. Time.
  • Along with the birth of my son, comes the pressure of supporting my family. Until now my wife and I have been fine sharing duties and roles in our marriage to support the lifestyle we enjoy. But now, not only will there be more roles and duties thrust upon us, but we both want my wife to be able to take on the full responsibility of raising our son. This means, relying on daycare and others as little as possible. This means, my wife being home as much as possible. This means, her working less. This means, I need to work more. And make more money. I don't know what to do, but I will have to just do something. I know God has a plan, and it is now time for me to find it. The pressure is on.
  • There is also a lot of slacking that we will need to make up for in a short time. We've lived in a state of moderate disarray for the last few years, and now we have to get everything under our thumb. The house, the cars, the schedules, the budget, the cleaning, the laundry, the dogs, the cats, the diet, etc. Are you starting to see why my mind is reeling and my body is rebelling against so much pressure and anxiety???
  • Now for the good stuff. I'm going to be a dad! I can only imagine how much fun we will have with our boy. I'm greatly looking forward to being a family with my wife and our son and our fur babies (pets).
  • My wife and I are in love. It's not always amazing. But we're stupidly devoted to one another and there is a security in having her through thick and thin that manages to bring a slight reprieve to the chaos in my soul. She is my anchor.
And FINALLY! The music. I'm writing a ton of new music. Some really exciting stuff. The Andrade brothers continue to challenge me and I can feel myself growing as a musician more in the last 6 months than I had in the last two years! Still unsure of myself a a lyricist. I know my writing is pretty good, and I'm confident in that area, but it is the SUBJECT matter I struggle with. I have good concepts for some song ideas. But I also sometimes get too hung up on whether or not it has mass appeal. I feel I need to rid myself of that qualifier and just let my creativity flourish. I'm sure I'll write some total garbage in the process but I think I've let that prospect hold me back long enough. Take the bad with the good. If I waste an awesome riff or melody on a crap song, so be it. I'll scrap the lyrics and recycle it as a better song a couple albums later. WHO'S GOING TO STOP ME?!? Nobody, that's who.

So we're playing a lot of great shows, and I feel some real momentum beginning to build behind this incredible trio. It's time to record the album. I've put it off long enough, recording demos and letting them waste away on their own. We need to get all the best material together and put it on an EP of 6 - 10 songs. I'm hoping we can get going on this in the next couple weeks and have it completed sometime this summer. I've talked about this too many times, so I won't make any promises. But I could DEFINITELY use some encouragement, advice, and accountability on this!

All in all, 2013 is shaping up to be the biggest year of my LIFE! I'm praying I can put the anxiety of it all behind me and go at it with every ounce of my abilities. If I can overcome my indecision and fear of failure, I think I can make some big things happen.

If my God is for me, who can be against me?



 

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